Simplify, Motherfuckers!

A Much More Academic Look at Autofellatio

Recently, I’ve dedicated a lot of time on this blog to sucking penis, whether your own or that of another, whether for the pleasure of a life hack well-done or for financial gain. 

However, the real media (by which I mean people who earn money) has gone one step further than even your humble Camelus. 

Yes, Slate Magazine has published an article on the history of autofellatio! Because everything has a history, and nothing is new. 

I’m not sure how they managed to talk about autofellatio without mentioning Marilyn Manson, who fuelled my personal adolescent ambitions toward self-inflicted oral. Perhaps he’s out of fashion as a pop music icon…

The article is quite interesting, revealing, among other things, that cunnilinguism was considered to be a psychological disorder in the early 20th century. 

Hopefully we’ll look back on the early 21st century someday and realize that psychologists had it all wrong, but until then, enjoy drugging yourself into mediocrity, America! You’re what keeps the capitalist machine roaring ahead!

Hack Your (Partner’s) Vagina

The body hackers among us will be overjoyed to know of this age-old technique for vaginal improvement. Tim Ferris left it way the fuck out of The Four Hour Body. But I am here for you, loving readers. I go where Tiny Tim won’t. To the blessed land of KY Jelly. 

These days, I’m a productive goal-oriented citizen. But it hasn’t always been so. When I was young, I didn’t know where my life was going. I had no plan. And so I wasted time, here and there. Playing Super Mario Brothers. Reading Byron and Shelley. Even stroking clitorises. Now I regret it, of course! Now I know better! Every second I spent needlessly stroking a clitoris is time wasted. I could have gone right to the good stuff with just a little lube.

Yes, friends, good old fashioned lubrication. Productive people around the world have no time at all for needless niceties like foreplay. Men and women with better things to do prefer to get right down to business. Otherwise, sex seems like just another interminable executive meeting, with all parties kissing each others’ asses and dancing around the real important topics. 

The average American spends over 25 hours a year on foreplay. The average American is also obese, going nowhere, and up to his ears in debt. You, my good readers, want to be above average. 

Stroking clitorises? Shit! I even licked some of the damn things. No more, though. No more waiting for vaginas to lubricate the natural way. If we sit around waiting for nature to run its course, we could wait hundreds of thousands of years!

Slathering a bit of KY (or a suitable substitute… lard is, for once, not recommended) on the genitalia allows one to get funky in no time flat.

So slap some lube on that junk and get freaky! Then get back to your true work: live tweeting the Oscars or the Super Bowl or whatever other shit is on TV. Thank me when you have time. 

Productively yours, 

Camelus.

P.S. You might also be interested in Beyond Barefoot Running: Bareback Sex.