Hack Your (Partner’s) Vagina
The body hackers among us will be overjoyed to know of this age-old technique for vaginal improvement. Tim Ferris left it way the fuck out of The Four Hour Body. But I am here for you, loving readers. I go where Tiny Tim won’t. To the blessed land of KY Jelly.
These days, I’m a productive goal-oriented citizen. But it hasn’t always been so. When I was young, I didn’t know where my life was going. I had no plan. And so I wasted time, here and there. Playing Super Mario Brothers. Reading Byron and Shelley. Even stroking clitorises. Now I regret it, of course! Now I know better! Every second I spent needlessly stroking a clitoris is time wasted. I could have gone right to the good stuff with just a little lube.
Yes, friends, good old fashioned lubrication. Productive people around the world have no time at all for needless niceties like foreplay. Men and women with better things to do prefer to get right down to business. Otherwise, sex seems like just another interminable executive meeting, with all parties kissing each others’ asses and dancing around the real important topics.
The average American spends over 25 hours a year on foreplay. The average American is also obese, going nowhere, and up to his ears in debt. You, my good readers, want to be above average.
Stroking clitorises? Shit! I even licked some of the damn things. No more, though. No more waiting for vaginas to lubricate the natural way. If we sit around waiting for nature to run its course, we could wait hundreds of thousands of years!
Slathering a bit of KY (or a suitable substitute… lard is, for once, not recommended) on the genitalia allows one to get funky in no time flat.
So slap some lube on that junk and get freaky! Then get back to your true work: live tweeting the Oscars or the Super Bowl or whatever other shit is on TV. Thank me when you have time.
P.S. You might also be interested in Beyond Barefoot Running: Bareback Sex.