Simplify, Motherfuckers!

3 Men I Have Enormous Penis Envy For

Jesse Thorn: Who the fuck does this guy think he is? He’s ONE YEAR older than me, and he has about 5 radio and TV shows, all of which are awesome. I first found out about him because of Put This On, his fashion blog and video series. Subtitled “A web series about dressing like a grownup” it features men in $2000 handmade suits, men who feel that pocket square selection is the most important thing you can do for yourself every morning, and men who wear courdoroy without having the immediate and inexorable urge to go start some Occupy Jamba Juice type movement. A bunch of milquetoast pansies, in other words. And yet… it’s brilliant! 

His other projects include The Sound of Young America (now called Bullseye with Jesse Thorn). The subtitle might as well be “Public radio you can listen to without automatically growing a big bleeding liberal vagina.” He interviews really interesting people and makes the interview really interesting—Patrick Warburton (aka Puddy from Seinfeld), John Darnielle of the Mountain Goats, Weird Al Yankovic. It’s like This American Life except without the emphasis on being whiny and sad and having a bad childhood. By which I mean, they’re both on pubic radio.

When I grow up I want to be a grownup just like Jesse Thorn!

Mark Sisson: I discovered Mark’s Daily Apple when a friend told me she was looking for those terrible (really, the word terrible doesn’t even come close to describing them) barefoot walking shoes that I sometimes see the most pathetic pink-faced and snaggle-toothed caricutures of British tourists wearing around town.

I googled them, because I figured something so ugly (“A horiffic gang-raping of all fine aesthetic sensibilities” according to one reviewer) must at least have a Big Idea behind it, and came across Mark’s website. 

The dude’s in his 50s and JUST LOOK AT HIS FUCKING ABS. His site is just about the best health resource I’ve found, also. The emphasis of his primal diet is on meat, nuts and vegetables, and he gives plenty of good advice about other health concepts: vitamin D, joint flexibility, sleep, cholesterol, etc.

Plus, I have a feeling he’s a bazillionaire with how many ebooks he sells. Hats off, Mr Sisson.

Stephen Colbert: While originally, I wasn’t entirely convinced, I would now be willing to have several of Stephen Colbert’s love children.

I originally just heard rumors about him (living abroad isn’t very good for keeping up with Comedy Central), and thought that maybe my silly liberal friends should just get jobs and be serious for once, rather than delving into multi-tiered universes which layer irony on irony on irony until… whatever.

Then I heard he had signed up for Congress’ brilliant plan to put Americans to work picking strawberries, and figured he had a pair of plus-size balls and I could give him a chance. I watched his address to congress, then some clips from his show. He’s hilarious!

I immediately took back everything I had ever said about multi-tiered ironic universes, grew up and started a blog about a curmudgeonly minimalist camel living in Al Andalus.

I do, however, refuse to pronounce his name with that ridiculous fucking silent T, which makes my liberal friends want to punch me. Camelus wins again!

Happy New Year from those of us at Simplify Motherfuckers, Inc, and see you all in cyberspace!

P.S. I have no evidence that the penises of the above-mentioned gentleman are enormous, so I hope you’ll read Enormous Penis Envy to mean that the envy is enormous, not the penises.

P.P.S. I also have penis envy for Jay-Z, but that’s already abundantly clear. I think almost everything he’s ever done is brilliant, except impregnating Beyoncé. But I guess that’s because I’m the only man in the Western world who doesn’t have a huge Beyoncé boner. Oh well.