Simplify, Motherfuckers!

Financial Planning 101: How to Avoid Sucking Cocks Just to Pay the Rent

Financial planning! The final frontier!

Many people don’t understand financial planning, or think it’s more complicated than it actually is. Nothing could be further from the truth! There are just a few basic rules you need to follow to live comfortably within your means. 

If you break these rules, you might end up sucking cocks to pay the rent! Not that there’s anything wrong with cocksucking. I’m sure there are better people than me who are out there right now giving blowjobs in a bus station bathroom because they didn’t know or didn’t follow these rules. The fact is that most people who enjoy sucking cocks do so as a leisure activity, and would prefer to do something else professionally.

If you are already sucking cocks professionally and you enjoy it, more power to you! You probably still need financial planning, though, because even people earning $500 an hour can end up flat broke at the end of the month if they don’t follow these rules.

So here they are:

1. Don’t do what everybody else is doing just because everybody else is doing it. On the surface, this doesn’t seem to be about financial planning. Really it’s about life in general. But the reality is that most people are breaking this rule. It’s herd mentality. They might think they’re being highly original and creative individuals: non-conformists, even. But then they’re out spending their time and money in the same moronic way as everyone else, figuring that if so many people are doing it, it must be a good idea. Well, sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. I would say that usually, it isn’t. Because if everybody were making good decisions, society would be functioning perfectly. So is society functioning perfectly? You’re goddamn right it isn’t.

2. Spend less than you earn. Obvious, right? Well, apparently not so obvious. If people were following this rule, they wouldn’t have credit cards, and they wouldn’t be paying 19% interest for shit they don’t need. If you keep your lifestyle within your means, you’ll always have money in the bank. Adjust your lifestyle as necessary. Because if you don’t, you’ll be sucking cocks, which will be a pretty big paradigm shift.

3. Save or invest at least 10% of your salary every month. You should always have enough money in the bank to get by for several months even if things don’t go according to plan. Because at some point, they’re not going to go according to plan. When I say several months, actually I mean you should have a year’s salary in the bank. Imagine the happy-go-lucky attitude, the lack of financial problems you would have if you had a year’s salary just sitting there in the bank, earning interest. Speaking of which, get a money market account, it pays better interest than your savings account, and it’s still quite liquid.

4. Make sure your rent or mortgage costs less than 30% of your income. You remember back in those happy days before the Great Recession, when it seemed like nobody was defaulting on their mortgages, and everybody was so happy and carefree? What happened to those days? I’ll tell you what happened. Banks started giving people mortgages they knew they wouldn’t be able to pay, and people were stupid enough to sign them. Well, the banks got bailed out. That’s one of the benefits of being a bank. The stupid signers didn’t get bailed out. The fact is that people who sign up for enormous debts like that usually have the idea that they’re going to be earning a lot more money in the future, and will have no problem paying it. 

Well, optimism is great and everything, but statistically, your household income (adjusted for inflation) probably hasn’t improved much since, oh, let’s say 1967. (Those flat lines on the bottom of the chart are the bottom 50% of the population, those earning less than about $45,000 a year. I don’t know many of you readers personally, but I do know that, statistically, you have a 1 in 2 chance of being in that bottom 50%). Meanwhile, you probably have a few more expenses than you did in 1967, don’t you?

There are a few more things I could add, but I want to keep this relatively short and sweet. Enjoy, everybody! And remember: if you choose not to follow these rules, you can always suck a dick for cash.