Simplify, Motherfuckers!

A Quick Exercise in the Power of Positive Thinking

Gentle readers, I’m an optimistic guy. I dream big, and have important goals like becoming president, sucking my own penis, and waging a holy war against those goddamn uppity Buddhists. 

Today I’d like to share the secret of my success, in the form of an exercise. We all know about the Law of Attraction and the power of thinking positive. Americans are known round the world for their big moronic smiles, their raucous enjoyment of raucousness in general, and their can-do attitude. 

Some have doubted in the past few years that the Law of Attraction really works. If all people have to do is practice positive visualization of what they want, they say, how did a great nation like the USA enter the Great Recession? Did everyone simultaneously stop using the Law of Attraction sometime around September of 2008?

Of course not! Not everybody in America, stupid! Just the ones who lost their jobs! Several million people, tops. And, of course, those who lost their houses were just failing to visualize themselves living in houses with enough positive emotion. Everybody else is doing fine, better than ever, in fact. And all thanks to the Law of Attraction.

If you have any doubt about the power of positive thinking, I want you to try this little exercise:

First, I want you to visualize yourself catching salmon. I want you to put a lot of juicy details into the visualization. Feel the tug of the line. See it flopping around onshore. The smooth skin of the salmon as you hold it. The smell of fish in the broiler. The taste of that sweet pink meat with a little lemon squeezed over the top. 

When you’ve got a good bit of salmon-attracting visualization going on, go rent, buy or borrow a fishing pole, and drop the line into your nearest swimming pool. 

If you’ve done everything right, you’ll be catching salmon in no time! I do this every day, and it’s part of how I became the highly successful and distinguished gentleman that I am!

(Forget the fact that salmon don’t tend to live in swimming pools. That kind of negative thinking will get you nowhere, kiddo. Anyway, facts are elitist, as Stephen Colbert has said.)

Come back here and report to Camelus when you’re done. Wasn’t that fun?