Simplify, Motherfuckers!

6 Ways to Keep Your Job Safe in a Recession

In these tough times, more people are worried about losing their miserable-ass jobs. Their only remaining fragment of self-worth comes from the fact that they plant their ass on a swivel chair from Monday to Friday, and take home a paycheck and whining privileges at the end of the month. Well, for those people, I wrote this article. It is Mayday, after all. The International Day of Working Class Struggle, as some call it. Now you can use these six easy steps to keep struggling for as long as you want! Thank me later.

1. Respect your boss. Bosses love having their egos stroked. In fact, the #1 cause of boss dissatisfaction is the fact that their employees aren’t servile enough. Call your boss “Master,” “Sire,” “Your Holiness,” whatever is necessary to inflate his (or her!) self-image.

2. Complain about your money problems constantly. Everyone loves the pathetic, the incompetent, and those who are incapable of taking care of themselves. If you can demonstrate that your miserable job is the only thing you have going for you, management will pity you and not want to lay you off when cutbacks come.

3. Have sex with all the staff members you can. There’s nothing like some good sexual intercourse to create strong bonds between workmates. Get that oxytocin flowing through the brains of your coworkers, managers, secretary, or cleaning person to create some seriously good vibes around the office.

4. Grovel, wallow, and whine. People who have their own goals in life are irritating. people who drop whatever their doing to kiss the ass of their natural superiors are valuable members of society. You don’t expect your dreams to pay your bills, do you?

5. Offer the sexual services of your spouse and children to the CEO of the company. It’s no secret that aristocrats of old used to have certain privileges with the wives and daughters of their peasants. Similarly, slaveholders in America were known for taking liberties with their chattel. Why should it be different today? Differences in income and status should naturally lead to an uneven distribution of sexual favors. It’s just social justice! And after following rule #3, you won’t have any spunk left to keep your significant other satisfied, he or she will be more than happy to oblige.

6. If all else fails, blackmail. You can always hire a private detective to dig up the dirty secrets of your superiors. With a little extra humiliation, you can have them kissing your ass and groveling to keep you happy!