December 2012
1 post
Anonymous asked: You are a dumbass.
July 2012
1 post
5 tags
Big Pimpin, Expurgated Version
Poetry has been around for millennia, but we all know that some poetry is rank, offensive bile that should be suppressed at all costs. I would go so far as to say that colloquial English as a whole should be abolished, and everyone—rich, poor, black, white, man, woman or child—should be forced to speak like a college textbook.
By far the most offensive poetry of recent decades goes by...
May 2012
1 post
How to Ruin Your Life in 1 Easy Step
Ladies and gentlemen, I’m back. As the wisest camel north of the Rock of Gibraltar, I feel the need to share with my fellow citizens of Earth. And now that I’m a bit less busy, I have the chance. Today: how to ruin your life in 1 easy step.
1. Take advice from idiots.
That’s it. Simple, isn’t it?
Opinions, as we all know, are the cheapest commodities on earth. Everyone...
February 2012
1 post
January 2012
2 posts
Tax Reform, Minimalist Style
Happy New Year, dear readers.
As you may remember, I announced my candidacy for President last year. Unfortunately, I haven’t had much time to work on my campaign due to my several careers as teacher, translator and now bestselling author of extraordinarily boring books about English grammar.
This New Year, I promise to work harder: after all, my country sorely needs me!
Today I’d...
6 tags
3 Men I Have Enormous Penis Envy For
Jesse Thorn: Who the fuck does this guy think he is? He’s ONE YEAR older than me, and he has about 5 radio and TV shows, all of which are awesome. I first found out about him because of Put This On, his fashion blog and video series. Subtitled “A web series about dressing like a grownup” it features men in $2000 handmade suits, men who feel that pocket square selection is the...
November 2011
1 post
3 tags
Compassion, According to the Dalai Lama
“We should analyze the nature of true compassion more deeply.
“We naturally feel close to our friends, but that is not authentic compassion. It is a feeling that is partial, whereas true compassion is universal.
“True compassion does not stem from the pleasure of feeling close to one person or another, but from the conviction that other people are just like me and want not to...
October 2011
1 post
4 tags
Weekend Class Warriors Unite!
The year 2011 has brought a lot of surprises, but the most surprising of all to this lonely blogger is the spectre of class consciousness.
Yes, the class war has gone more viral than Scarlett Johansson’s ass! Suddenly, everyone’s come to the awareness that they are part of the 99%.
As a member of the 99% myself, I’d like to take this opportunity to welcome you all to the...
September 2011
1 post
4 tags
Getting Things Done by David Allen
Finally, I’m sitting down to read Getting Things Done. The famous GTD! David Allen has inspired a lot of people with this book, including Merlin Mann, who in his turn inspired Ash Ponders.
I’ve been tortured by the vague sense that I should be doing significant things with my life for the last several years. It’s not always pleasant to feel as if you’re destined for...
August 2011
2 posts
4 tags
Life Hack for Artists: You Must Suffer to Create
As every tortured 14-year-old Bruno Mars fan knows, suffering, whining and generally being a pathetic blubbering pussy are all essential to a career in music.
In fact, as poets have been saying for generations, you must suffer to create.
Many people forget this indisputable fact, however, and end up pursuing lives full of that most meaningless and uncreative emotion: happiness.
Happiness! The...
3 tags
A Much More Academic Look at Autofellatio
Recently, I’ve dedicated a lot of time on this blog to sucking penis, whether your own or that of another, whether for the pleasure of a life hack well-done or for financial gain.
However, the real media (by which I mean people who earn money) has gone one step further than even your humble Camelus.
Yes, Slate Magazine has published an article on the history of autofellatio! Because...
July 2011
4 posts
3 tags
Financial Planning 101: How to Avoid Sucking Cocks...
Financial planning! The final frontier!
Many people don’t understand financial planning, or think it’s more complicated than it actually is. Nothing could be further from the truth! There are just a few basic rules you need to follow to live comfortably within your means.
If you break these rules, you might end up sucking cocks to pay the rent! Not that there’s anything...
A Quick Exercise in the Power of Positive Thinking
Gentle readers, I’m an optimistic guy. I dream big, and have important goals like becoming president, sucking my own penis, and waging a holy war against those goddamn uppity Buddhists.
Today I’d like to share the secret of my success, in the form of an exercise. We all know about the Law of Attraction and the power of thinking positive. Americans are known round the world for their...
If your hot dogs are Austrian and your beer is...
And your mustard is French, and your chips and salsa are Mexican, and your ice cream is Italian, and your coffee is Columbian, (and your shoes, by the way, are Chinese and your t-shirt is Sri Lankan), then… What the fuck kind of ignorant redneck do you have to be to call your neighbor an “immigrant?”
Enjoy those summer barbecues, people. And remember, if it weren’t for...
3 tags
Self-fellatio as a Political Movement
Many of you have expressed interest in seeing pictures of my penis (promised, of course, as part of my presidential campaign.)
However, many more have expressed interest in seeing actual picutres of people sucking their own penises.
My long days at the dick-dojo are starting to pay off, I must say. The 15 pound weight I have tied to my dongle is doing its job to elongate Mr Big. And my yoga...
June 2011
6 posts
Breathe Some Fresh Air into Politics with a Penis
Ladies and Gentlemen,
As candidate for the presidency in 2012, I wish I could say that by whipping out my dongle I was taking American politics where nobody has ever taken them before.
However, it would be a lie. Politicians have been pulling out Mr. Willy as part of the political process since Thomas Jefferson (reportedly) removed his pantaloons during the Continental Congress of 1776,...
Camelus for President in 2012!
Friends, nomads, countrymen, lend me your ears! I have an announcement to make. I, Camelus Bactrianus, am running for President.
My campaign team of social media experts, college dropouts and demographers is still working to hash out my platform. What I can tell you so far is that I will lead America with a two-humped approach to government: my administration will be based on the two things that...
Quick Tip for a Better Society: Beat your Kids!
Many times, minimalism is about reviving lost arts. About doing things the way our grandparents did, back in the days before consumerism, self-help and the culture of instant gratification.
One of the important skills that we’ve lost in modern society is the ability to give a good ass-whuppin to those snot-nosed little shits whose college educations we’ll someday have to pay for.
I...
5 tags
Oh, the Distractions!
Distraction is for my generation what the clap was for my parents. Always lurking just around the corner, seemingly inescapable. One slip-up with an underaged Korean tranny or a fat middle-aged trucker and bam! The clap got yo’ ass. Cancel your appointments, you’re off the market for a couple of weeks.
These days, Leo Babauta, Merlin Mann, and David Allen have beaten distraction to...
8 tags
Will is Homeless in Portland: Self-Circumcision →
I don’t do a lot of re-blogging on this site, simply because few things I see out there in Tumblrland live up to the high standards for juvenile dick jokes I’ve set for myself. I want my dick jokes to promote international understanding; help the blind to see; in effect, to create a better world! This, however, is some great penile puerility, by your friend Will at Homeless in...
4 tags
Extreme Life Hack: Suck Your Own Penis
As you may have noticed, your favorite Bactrian Camel hasn’t been writing much lately. But have no fear, he has been doing a lot of research (read: mindless clicking on tumblr) and has come across this life hack, which will surely revolutionize the sex lives of many of you youngsters.
The joys of tumblr! While clicking some Ass Appreciation photos this morning, I found myself...
May 2011
9 posts
5 tags
Soul-searching, Irony, and Bacon
It’s been a tough couple of weeks here in Al Andalus. My initial disappointment when the Rapture didn’t come as expected gave way to further disappointment when the conservative party gave the socialists a massive assfucking (pardon my PoliSci jargon) in local and regional elections. And it’s all been downhill since then.
I’m doing a lot of soul-searching, and trying to...
Reporting Live from the Rapture in Western Europe!
Today is the day! Rapture! Finally, we’re going to get proof of which religion or sect is on God’s good side! I suspect Zen Buddhists aren’t on the list, and neither are camels—Here’s to Christ, and to five months of reporting the battle of Armageddon!
On with the report from beautiful, sunny Madrid:
So far things are pretty calm here on the plains of Spain....
3 tags
You Better Put Your Dick Back In Your Pants, Jesus... →
Crispy Christ on a Corndog! I’ll never make it as a surrealist. These people are so far ahead of me it’s not even funny. Quitting their jobs to preach the apocalypse! Fucking brilliant! Real everyday people are far more surrealist than I ever could be. Without even really intending to be, apparently. Anyway, I’ve got a hike in the mountains planned for Sunday, it would suck if...
3 tags
Quick Tip to Survive the Rapture: Gift Baskets for...
As we know, rapture is coming, and with it: Satan! Yes, starting Saturday May 21, Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin will be kicking it with Jesus on a big puffy cloud, while the rest of us stay behind.
What better way to welcome the Dark Lord of the Underworld than with a handsome gift basket? I’m already making mine. So far, it contains an adolescent virgin, a sacrificed goat, a few Judas...
How to Survive the Rapture in Style
If you’re like me, you’re spending this week preparing for Rapture. Finally, this Saturday, May 21 is the day! It’s been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt by this man, Harold Camping.
The complex Biblical mathematics are all available on Wikipedia, but the upshot of it is that 97% of the world population is fucked. Minimalists and post-modernists. Those who practice bareback...
Anonymous asked: How's the holy war against Buddhists going?
homelessinportland asked: Having read your latest on gangsta rap, I guess you could call your pasty white alter ego ass a "doppelgangsta". What do you think about that, motherfucker?
3 tags
How To Keep Fear Alive Post-bin Laden
Osama bin Laden is dead, and the (Western) media will probably spend several days rehashing the story of how good has finally triumphed over evil. Justice has been done.
But the War on Terror isn’t over, is it? What are the Axis of Good going to do with all those missiles they’ve invested in? Just let them rot in warehouses like last year’s unsold fashions?
No, good citizens....
6 Ways to Keep Your Job Safe in a Recession
In these tough times, more people are worried about losing their miserable-ass jobs. Their only remaining fragment of self-worth comes from the fact that they plant their ass on a swivel chair from Monday to Friday, and take home a paycheck and whining privileges at the end of the month. Well, for those people, I wrote this article. It is Mayday, after all. The International Day of Working Class...
April 2011
8 posts
Reblog to Improve Your Karma!
Another letter from a reader…
Dear Camelus,
I’m outraged! Like many other namby-pamby liberals, I voted for Barack Obama for President. I hate to say it now, but I believed in his change. I hoped, like his posters demanded.
And since January 2009, I’ve been living in a constant state of disappointment. Where is the free-love vegan commune of 308 million people that having a...
3 tags
Quick Tips for Gangsta Rappers
When my pasty white alter ego was living in Scottsdale, Arizona (motto: The Soulsucking Wasteland Where Vapid Yuppies Go To Die Luxuriously) as a teenager, listening to rap music just wasn’t an option. His father would have murdered him, and what’s more, found a sympathetic white jury to exonerate him.
Those were simpler, more innocent times, when suburban whites were terrified that...
Al Andalus and Its Highly Refined Cuisine
I just want to express my heartfelt gratitude this evening.
The people of Al Andalus are wise in many ways. One thing they have taught me is to eat fried eggs for breakfast, fried eggs for lunch, and fried eggs for dinner.
If I had continued living in the Sonora, I might have spent the rest of my life arbitrarily classifying fried eggs as a breakfast food!
The ultra-minimalist pantry, of...
On the Theriogenology of Camels
A reader has brought Llamaweb to my attention, and especially this book on the theriogenology of camels.
“What are camels doing on a website about llamas?” you may ask. A very good question! Llamas are part of the camelid family also, we all evolved from a common ancestor about 45 million years ago.
Theriogenology, for those of you who don’t know, is a high-falutin word for...
1 tag
How to Go from Suburbanite to Gangsta Rapper
As a self-help guru, I wouldn’t be earning my keep if I didn’t help people achieve their dreams. The bigger the dream, the better, I say. Today’s article: how a pasty white suburbanite can become a star of gangsta rap (in just 3 easy steps!) Glock photo by Smarter.
1. Get comfortable with the lingo
Forget Mrs Dalrymple’s 9th grade English class, your private school...
1 tag
Pranayama, Motherfuckers!
Today I’d like to call your attention to something almost universally ignored in our culture: our breathing.
Most of the time, people assume that we’re all breathing all the time anyway, and so we’re probably doing it right.
That kind of blind faith is what leads people to think that a Taco Bell burrito with a 64oz Pepsi is a healthy lunch. All the miserable, depressed, obese...
pepesaura asked: How could I get success with my website http://dvd.leame.net/ ?
March 2011
17 posts
Minimalist Compassion, Revisited
I just noticed that Homeless in Portland made an extended comment on my Minimalist Compassion post.
First off, I would like to thank him. My strict editorial policy here at the office (and by office I mean my unglamorous shared flat in a 3rd rate neighborhood of a 2nd rate European city) is to wake up early in the morning, get buzzed on my own neurotransmitters through a potent cocktail of...
Minimalist Compassion
Compassion, the Dalai Lama teaches, is the key to a happy life. Human beings are innately gentle and loving, and acts of aggression and hatred tend to be isolated incidents perpetrated by the few.
Some people seem to interpret this as meaning that we must suffer when other beings suffer. That we must spend our free time lamenting the fact that there are squirrels in Oklahoma that are, as we...
On the Legality of Camel Hunting in Arizona
Sometimes people ask me about my home state. They hear stories, usually involving bands of gun-toting outlaws (led, in some cases, by the local Sheriff, who shall remain unnamed) and they want to know: Is it true that all y’all in Arizona are armed to the teeth, batshit crazy and heavily patriotic?
The answer is, unfortunately, yes to all of the above. With one caveat, that “all...
Suffer Now, Pay Later
The Calvinists, Puritans and other depressing religious fundamentalists who founded this grand country had a common ideology that has made its way all the way to our times. It’s the ethic of suffer now for future happiness.
In religious terms, this equates to an life of toil, misery and self-abnegation so that after death, one may be assured of going to heaven to spend all eternity eating...
A Letter from A. Teabagger, Esq.
I received this letter this morning. It is signed, as you can see, A. Teabagger, Esq. (a nom de guerre, I suppose). He (or she) makes some interesting points, for the enlightenment of my other readers. The letter follows:
Dear Camelus,
What is happening to America?
When I was in school everybody understood how things worked. They knew that the rich were rich because they simply worked harder...
“The man who looks for security, even in the mind, is like a man who would chop...”
– Henry Miller. Sexus, 1949
Anonymous asked: Do you want to be a writer?
1 tag
Anonymous asked: If you're a camel, how do you manage to type your blog posts?
How to Lead a Life of Quiet Desperation
Henry David Thoreau was nice enough to point out, in Walden, that “the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”
Most self-help blogs skip right over this fact: they assume that their readers want to be special flowers, when honestly, most people don’t.
Humans are social animals. They spend most of their time blindly following what they see around them. It’s just...
Q and A about your Hemorrhoids
My offices have been flooded with a barrage of questions about the radical idea I proposed the other day: Quit Your Miserable Job like a Bad Case of Hemorrhoids. Here are the answers to a few of them:
Q: Okay, I quit my job! Now what?
A: Now figure out how to do something you like for a living.
Q: But I just don’t like working in general!
A: You’re not trying enough things. There...
3 tags
Quit Your Miserable Job like a Bad Case of...
Let’s hypothesize for a moment. Imagine a society in which people spent, on average, 40 hours every week suffering severe hemorrhoids. Let’s add an additional 8 hours a week driving to and from the hemorrhoids, and another 8 hours trying to relax and clear their minds after the hemorrhoids stopped. Let’s say they did this 48 weeks a year (even inflamed rectums go on vacation from...
Anonymous asked: Who are some of your heroes?
