Posted 1 year ago
You are a dumbass.
Anonymous asked

Thanks, Gracious Anon!

I try to base at least 50% of my self-esteem on the opinions of anonymous blog commenters, youtube viewers and redditors, so I will add your well-thought-out and eloquently-expressed judgement to the mix. Your feedback helps me improve, both as a blogger and as a person!

Cordially Yours,

Camelus.

Posted 1 year ago

Big Pimpin, Expurgated Version

Poetry has been around for millennia, but we all know that some poetry is rank, offensive bile that should be suppressed at all costs. I would go so far as to say that colloquial English as a whole should be abolished, and everyone—rich, poor, black, white, man, woman or child—should be forced to speak like a college textbook.

By far the most offensive poetry of recent decades goes by the name of “rap.” Crudely rhymed verses, set to music, using a wide range of inappropriate vocabulary somehow manage to sell millions of copies to today’s youth, when the literary world is full of serious Sonneters who can’t even make ends meet on their poet’s salary.

And so, like old expurgators of past centuries who removed all references to buggery, face-fucking and paedophilia from the old Greek poetry, I propose a general expurgation of “rap” so that it may be palatable for a general audience.

I have taken the liberty of removing all colloquial usage from a section of Jay-Z’s classic known as “Big Pimpin” in order to demonstrate what I mean.

"When a woman dares complain about my admittedly harsh relationship management tactics, I am quick to leave her for another. Indeed, Madam, I am, as they say, rather heavy-handed with members of the fairer sex. In fact, I keep many women on-call until the moment when a bout of concupiscence overcomes me, at which point they may be offered the opportunity to fellate me in my automobile. Many fair maidens wish to force me into matrimony, so that I will be legally obligated to give them 50% of my net worth if we should someday part ways. However, Madam, simply because you are well-versed in the kamasutric arts, it does not follow that I should give financial support to your lavish lifestyle."

This is clearly a step in the right direction, however, many astute readers will surely be offended at the poem’s expression of a healthy male libido.

The suppression and eventual prohibition of the male libido is of course a noble cause which should be taken up by all, but if I were to expurgate these verses of all content which might be offensive to our noble feminist sisters, very little would remain.

Some may say that the abolition of colloquial English and the bowdlerizing of poetry is not an important issue in these days of economic crisis, war, instability, environmental destruction, and widespread inequality. But I propose that:

1) A strict application of Orwellian grammar

coupled with

2) A policy of insulting, humiliating, shaming and ridiculing all those who differ in their opinions even slightly

will together create the type of peaceful, loving, harmonious society which we all wish to see, in which conflict will be rendered impossible by sheer grammatical and lexical impossibility.

Those who would make the rebuttal that my policies are little better than a Stalinist or Maoist persecution of dissenting opinions will be welcome to express themselves fully in the Adventure and Outdoor Fun Camps for Linguistic Dissidents I’m setting up in Siberia.

Respectfully yours,

Camelus.

Posted 2 years ago

How to Ruin Your Life in 1 Easy Step

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m back. As the wisest camel north of the Rock of Gibraltar, I feel the need to share with my fellow citizens of Earth. And now that I’m a bit less busy, I have the chance. Today: how to ruin your life in 1 easy step.

1. Take advice from idiots.

That’s it. Simple, isn’t it?

Opinions, as we all know, are the cheapest commodities on earth. Everyone you know has dozens of them, and they just give them away for free. Any life hacker worth his salt tries to listen to the opinions of people who actually know what they’re talking about. But what if you’re intent on ruining your life?

Well, of course, you should do the opposite!

For example: I’m looking for health advice. Should I ask my morbidly obese diabetic aunt? She certainly spends a lot of time at the doctor, so she probably knows quite a bit about health!

Of course, if you want to actually be healthy, you should ask a person healthier than you are. But if you want to ruin your life, it’s best to ask someone who obviously has no idea what they’re talking about.

Got it? Good!

For those of you who are a bit slow, let me give you a few more real-world examples of how this works.

Take Bobby, a typical fresh-faced young chap, just 10 years out of liberal arts college, who is proud to finally say he’s paid off his student loans. But, not content to have ruined his 20s paying off his “student aid,” Bobby wants to continue the chain of terrible decisions which will guarantee him a spot in that most selective of clubs: the bottom 50% of society. The year is 2007.

Bobby’s mother is a housewife, a former soccer-MILF now past 60. His father is an unemployed toaster-salesman. They sit Bobby down and encourage him to get into real estate: “You know, Bobby, the prices of houses never go down! It’s the best investment there is! Even if you’re paying the bank 7% interest for 30 years, you should still be able to make money. Look at us, we’re your parents! We obviously know a thing or two about personal finance!”

Rather than spending 5 minutes on the internet verifying such claims, Bobby takes their advice and spends $600,000 on a McMansion outside Gary, Indiana. The bank manager is happy to believe that he earns a 6-figure income as shift manager at Starbucks, and gives him a mortgage. Soon, 2007 turns to 2008. 2008 turns to 2009 and 2009, inevitably, turns to 2010. We all know how those years went. Now, Gary has lost his job, defaulted on his mortgage and gets by sucking the occasional penis in order to get a room at the YMCA. And all because he made important life decisions based on the well-meaning advice of his parents! Parents, it should be said, who had 60 years of experience being financially unsuccessful.

"But Camelus," I hear you saying. "Once-in-a-lifetime opportunities like the housing bubble are behind us, and I want to ruin my life now, in 2012. What can I do? Also, if possible, could I ruin my life in less than a week?"

Why of course you can! And thanks for asking!

Just last week, in fact, idiots of all shapes and colours had the opportunity to lose a shit-ton of money by investing in Facebook’s IPO.

Everybody knows that IPOs in internet companies are a great investment! Just think back to 1999, when you bought all those internet companies whose stocks ended up being little more than a lot of expensive toilet paper a few years later!

Facebook is the new wave. We all use Facebook, right? Well then, it doesn’t matter how much money they’re making! The money economy is soooooo 20th century anyway. Now it’s all about the LIKE economy. Why soon I’ll be able to pay my rent with the number of people who LIKE my Facebook status.

Many people who invested in Facebook followed some sort of moronic logic:

"IPOs always explode on their first day!"

"People like me, with no idea about the stock market, are always getting rich in a matter of hours. That’s why everybody I know is already rich!"

And finally, “Bob from the gym says buying Facebook is a great financial decision! And just look at Bob! He drives a Toyota!”

Now, those self-same morons are angry because they lost a lot of money in a matter of hours. Maybe if they had taken the hint from people like, say, U2’s Bono, who was selling facebook, they would have done a lot better. Bono, clearly, has some idea about making money as both a rock star and a venture capitalist.

So there you have it, folks. If you want to do well in life, it would be better to take advice from those who are successful.

But if you want that coveted spot in the bottom 50% of society, it’s best to take advice from idiots!

You’re welcome,

Camelus.